I’ve said those words many times to myself and often I’ll say it without really thinking, not knowing it’s my spirit praying for what I really need.
At one time in my young adult life I enjoyed being the life of the party-at least I thought I was. I loved being with and around people and didn’t care at all for being alone. Now I’m just the opposite. I love being alone with my books and notepads and being around people is just hard work. What’s changed?
I’ve come to see that what I’ve unconsciously believed about myself “you’ll never amount to anything”, my unspoken core belief about myself, had so permeated my thinking and many of my past decisions and choices, that while I was out to prove to the world that I certainly Would amount to something, I’d done so at the cost of friends and relationships.
I know I’m pretty self absorbed but what I didn’t realize or stop long enough to see, was that because of my self absorption I stopped trusting other people. I had unconsciously started focusing almost entirely on how people had “failed ME”. I’ve always expected a lot from myself-perfectionism, which is the socially acceptable, even encouraged, behavior resulting from low self-esteem. But, unfortunately, I set that same standard for those around me. And if you failed or disappointed me, which inevitably you would in a fallen world, then I started pulling away from you.
When it’s ME or nothing, you eventually end up with nothing, or more to the point, no one. I say all this to make a point. Perhaps I should’ve stopped, when asking God to help me, long enough to consider what I wanted God to help me with? Apparently my subconscious/spirit knew the real problem, and the only answer. But I was too busy trying to amount to something to listen!