God Help Me

I’ve said those words many times to myself and often I’ll say it without really thinking, not knowing it’s my spirit praying for what I really need.

At one time in my young adult life I enjoyed being the life of the party-at least I thought I was. I loved being with and around people and didn’t care at all for being alone. Now I’m just the opposite. I love being alone with my books and notepads and being around people is just hard work. What’s changed?

I’ve come to see that what I’ve unconsciously believed about myself “you’ll never amount to anything”, my unspoken core belief about myself, had so permeated my thinking and many of my past decisions and choices, that while I was out to prove to the world that I certainly Would amount to something, I’d done so at the cost of friends and relationships.

I know I’m pretty self absorbed but what I didn’t realize or stop long enough to see, was that because of my self absorption I stopped trusting other people. I had unconsciously started focusing almost entirely on how people had “failed ME”. I’ve always expected a lot from myself-perfectionism, which is the socially acceptable, even encouraged, behavior resulting from low self-esteem. But, unfortunately, I set that same standard for those around me. And if you failed or disappointed me, which inevitably you would in a fallen world, then I started pulling away from you.

When it’s ME or nothing, you eventually end up with nothing, or more to the point, no one. I say all this to make a point. Perhaps I should’ve stopped, when asking God to help me, long enough to consider what I wanted God to help me with? Apparently my subconscious/spirit knew the real problem, and the only answer. But I was too busy trying to amount to something to listen!

Mason Swinney

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About menmourningmoments

I'm happily married, the Father of 2 sons and 2 daughters and 4 beautiful grandchildren. Death is all around us but somehow we've managed to distance ourselves from it. Men, Mourning, Moments is about how the death of my son awakened me to life & the desire to seize every moment as though it were my last. It's about making sense of life in the good times and bad and allowing GOD to carry me and teach me through the hard times in life.
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4 Responses to God Help Me

  1. Ed Swinney says:

    wow, home run, fits me like fine tailored suit, now how do i fix it.

    Date: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 15:01:30 +0000 To: edswinney@hotmail.com

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  2. As I learned at a recent Faces of Christ retreat, we all have core beliefs that are the framework from which we make decisions & choices by and have influenced past behavior. The challenge is that we are not always cognizant, even aware, of what these beliefs are but need to identify them and address them. Once identified, we can see how they’ve impacted past choices, decisions, behavior. And, set about “correcting, modifying” those core beliefs and incorporating new ones as we grow through life’s experiences. I guess another way of saying it is to identify the lies we’ve believed about ourselves and see how those lies have impacted past behavior. Then as an old friend once counseled me, we can “stop, think and act differently”. Hope this helps.

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  3. robertdyson says:

    Sounds like the proverbial hamster on the wheel – running and running but never getting anywhere and never stopping to ask ‘why am I running so hard?’. I’ve experienced that situation where I think people fail me. It hurts, then I get angry, then I want to feel/act like I don’t need them. Can I just be a good friend regardless of whether or not it’s reciprocated? It’s hard, but didn’t Jesus say what credit is it to me if I only love those who love me back, or if I’m only good to those that can somehow pay me back. Can I be satisfied with obedience to God? I think if I could, things would be a whole lot better for me.

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